I’m feeling a little bit saucy tonight, gentlemen…

While scroling along www.perezhilton.com I discovered a picture of these saucy little babies. Of course, I gawked for a moment, and then I turned to ask Cymbria what she thought of them. Unfortunately, I forgot that my fashion-educated long-lost practical-sister is back in Calgary. *Sigh* Knowing that I must use some vice to spread word or acknowledgement of the amazement above, I came here: my long-lost rant spot.

If these marvels are received as undesireable, I will respond with a gaping glare. That pair of shoes (maybe in a different colour?!) inspires me to scream the words: hot and sexy. I imagine seeing them on a very beautiful, sleek, stylish woman who is fit to be on a runway. Alas, I shall never fit them, but they can dance forever – in my dreams.

Whew… I write this with a lack of air in my lungs, the rosiest cheeks I’ve featured (possibly) ever and a grand smile! I understand that Myspace allows many people – everyone – to interact with celebrities, but I just… I COULD DIE!

So… Cymbria and I have a mild full blown obsession with Beverly Hills 90210 (not this 2.0 bs, the old stuff)! As of late, we’ve discovered Steve Sanders, the new love of both of our lives. He just… the character is such an amazing guy but always seems to get the short end of the stick! I mean, Kelly left him, he almost got kicked out of school, he went through all of that effort and emotional strain only to find out that his birth parents passed away, then he ends up with a transvestite, then he ends up with Claire! I mean… talk about not getting a break!
One episode, while we were paying very close attention, we were delighted to discover that Ian Ziering was credited with writing – in some way. This BLEW OUR MINDS! I immediately logged onto my myspace and messaged him with our newly discovered love.
Now, I don’t know much about myspace and I haven’t been on it very long… but, He freaking sent us a message back! Like OMIGOD!OMIGOD!OMIGOD! It wasn’t much, but it was so Steve – so Ian – that we were in giggle-shock for… well, I’m still not done!! Here is the message he sent us back:
Thats very sweet ladies. Thank you.
IZ

I can imagine him looking at us and saying that very line… it’s too amazing for words. Now, I also realize that it’s entirely possible that his manager runs his site and he didn’t even get to see our message and BLAH BLAH BLAH, but I don’t care! Furthermore, anyone who would argue that point any further just can’t stand having others happy – ecstatic!

Wow. It feels like just yesterday my Mom drove me out here and took me to my interview at La Senza. (Within a week I knew that that was just NOT going to work.) Soon after, I decided to join my roommate at Matrix as an office assistant. As odd and lame as it sounds… this job has been a saving grace during my stay in Calgary. I’ve learned how to fit in, in an office environment and I feel as though I’ve taught several of the people here that looks can be deceiving. Just because my hair is two different colours and I have several piercings, does not mean that I’m an outlaw or an unintelligent child - it simply means that I have chosen to present myself in ways that differ from the norm. One of the biggest perks of this job, has been meeting someone who I predict to be a lifelong friend. She too, looked past my age and exterior to treat me like a human being as opposed to a bratty teenager (a claim to which I can’t entirely refute). She has taught me about relationships (of all kinds), religion, psychosis and most of all, myself. I can never say ‘Thank You’ enough, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop trying.

Being in Calgary has taught me a lot about the world and about the people inhabiting our planet. Coming from a small town, it’s easy to feel as if you’re the star of your very own “Truman Show”; what I mean, is that it’s very easy to feel singled out. Whereas Calgary is so big that people hardly give you the time of day! As odd as it sounds, it can be quite refreshing to walk around a busy area and not have roaming eyes meet your own. It’s nice to know that people have better things to do than judge at a first hand glance and worry about microscopic gossip details.

With this new (more) relaxed sense of self, I met my new favourite person: Ashley Wright. He found me on Nexopia and we started talking about music. From there, we went to the bar, where (towards the end of the night) he got up the courage and kissed me while we were dancing. The past 8.5 months have been a dream! Of course, we’ve fought, argued, cried and screamed… but it always ends in hugs and kisses! He is the most calm, rational, shy person I have ever met and I fear losing him more than anything on this planet. (Ok, maybe there are a few people/things that rank slightly above him, but he is DEFINITELY top 5!) We’re destined for long-distance, which never gets rave reviews, but he’s worth it to me.

Which brings me to ‘The Fear’… I am so scared to move back. School, old friends, new/old living arrangements, bars, lack of cash, long-distance relationship… these are all in my immediate future and most of them are entirely new experiences for me. They say not to fear change - which I generally don’t – but how am I supposed to stay sane when I’ll feel as though half of me is gone? I know, I know… I can’t live for my boyfriend and 8.5 months really isn’t very long! It’s just that I’ve never met anyone like him and I’ve never heard of a relationship quite like ours… for example, we’re both 18 and we’ve been living together for 3 or 4 months and now we probably won’t see each other until Christmas!  

*Sigh* I suppose that my fear is rational, normal even. I even know that I will get over it and that school is going to be a blast! I guess for the next two weeks I shall try to harness my nervous energy into excitement and adrenaline… After all, who knows what the future will bring me?

A wise man (my brother) once told me, “If someone ends up not liking you, chances are that somewhere down the road, you wouldn’t have liked them.”

What if Twilight had the same characters, but a different sequence of events? What if Bella had already been with Jacob and knew that yes, he would have left her as well?! If she would have known that she and Jacob could love each other without the physical (because they already crossed that line), then Bella would have drove away in the sunset – with a smile. Sure, Jacob and Edward would still vie for her time and her love, but Bella wouldn’t have any qualms or doubts of her decision to marry Edward because she would already know. Sure, the black haired children were cute, but how happy were they? Ok… so in the book they would have been happy. It’s also possible that Bella and Edward won’t get married… We’ll have to see when Breaking Dawn comes out (SATURDAY)!

Fortunately for me, I did date my Jacob. He’s not a werewolf, but he’s a pretty good friend. I’m pretty sure that we both still love each other, but for me it’s more of a friend love. On the other hand, my Edward has every little bit of my heart! Yet again, he’s not a vampire, but he’ll do – quite nicely, in fact. It’s very interesting… If I would have read this series when it first came out, I would have sworn that Jacob was Edward. I would have sworn that our love would last forever and that he would always be there for me. It turns out that sometimes the Bellas can’t forgive the Edwards for leaving, and sometimes she’s not supposed to. I guess it goes to show that you never know when there’s an Edward lurking around the corner, and you know even less if that Edward will turn into Your Jacob.

I’m less than 200 pages from the end of Eclipse. This should excite me, but it doesn’t. I dread the end of this book almost as much as I truly dread the release of Breaking Dawn! Of course I want to read them, they’ve become my whole life! But why do they have to end? Why do I have to wake up without Edward (or Jacob) staring back at me?

I think what really bothers me is that I honestly feel happier reading these books than living my life. Is that as messed up as it sounds? I love my boyfriend, but I want my Edward. Is there a difference? I have no idea. I wish I knew what to feel. I wish for some kind of release, but maybe these books are my release. Maybe, these books are opening my eyes to true happiness. Maybe reading these books will encourage me to find/produce true happiness in my own life!!

Then again, maybe I’ll use my History Degree to become an anthropologist and spend the rest of my life searching for vampires… named Edward *sigh*.

Warning: The blog you are about to read is as bitter and petty as the blood that flows through my veins.

Surprise, surprise the secretary is gone once more! I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but this is just too much! I think the only reason I was trying to walk down that steep, rocky path was out of admiration to my brother. He informed me that this lovely young lady had more to her; she was shallow on the outside, but wanted to be a “real girl” on the inside. Touching, isn’t it. I told him of my doubt, but he insisted! Over the next few weeks to pass, I looked for the depth within the barbie doll secretary and found none. Maybe I’m just blind to it, but my instincts tell me that my brother was just a little too naive to her… other attributes. Oh well, it won’t matter because I won’t have to deal with her “blonde” ways much longer.

However, on this unforgivable occasion, not only has she ensured double the workload for me… she’s taken me away from my happiness; my love; my Edward: my book. All weekend I’ve been looking forward to getting to work so as to delve right back to where I left off Friday evening… back to my recently discovered sanctuary. Yeah, yeah… I’m going a little bit overboard with this book thing, but I can’t even express the sensation I feel from losing myself in this series!

*Sigh* With not much to do about the more-than-tardy secretary, I shall leave my angst for another day. I will work, read my book, visit my friend and go home to do the same routine tomorrow. Maybe there isn’t a way for me to foil her evil, unjust plot, but one day someone will. One day, there will be a man or woman who’s beauty far surpasses that of the secretary and she will crumble, crumble to the demeaning activities that the rest of us are belittled with: work.

They’re the same. They have to be. Both pale, with dark features; eloquent and yet dangerous; both will live forever, while I mearly have a lifetime. Yup, the book is definitely Edward incarnate! However, I am – in no sense of the word – Bella.

This series is taking hold of me. Not just my creative imagination, my whole being. It’s as if my life is falling away as I write this; I may cease to exist by the time “Breaking Dawn” is released (August 2, 2008)! I have always been obsessed with Vampires and the risky, romantic, seductive tales that they are generally intwined with, but this feels so real. I could be Bella. I could be the girl begging for my “greek god-like” boyfriend to wisk me into eternity with him! I haven’t been able to create a better fantasy for myself in my 18 years of life.

I have read these books more quickly and with more intensity than I have read anything in my entire life! And, as strange as this may sound, I honestly believe that in doing so, I’ve brought myself more true happiness than ever before. I don’t know why I’ve become so entranced, but I have. I could spend my whole life reading about theirs and the thought of the end (of the series), almost seems as though it’s more than I can bare right now… as Edward (and hopefully soon, Bella) needs blood to prolong himself, I need this book.

OK, maybe I’m getting a little bit ahead of myself! I’m not going to kill myself when this is all over, but it’s extremely sustaining at the moment. My only fear is for the movie. OH how I already know that they’ve butchered my wonderous, dark, sensuous savior!! Come on, Cedric Diggory as Edward?! There are SO many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to begin! There I go getting ahead of myself again, of course I know where to start!!
1) The dude was Cedric Diggory – CEDRIC DIGGORY, AS IN FROM HARRY POTTER! I’m definitely no science fiction expert or anything, but I’m pretty sure there should be some rule – somewhere – about not crossing fantasy series!!
2) To put it lightly… HE’S A PUNE! (For those of you not in the know, a pune is a man with small, weak looking, boyish features.) Edward is supposed to be a vampire, i.e. gorgeous, STRONG, mysterious, broody, with just a touch of ancient wisdom. I’m sorry Cedric, these are things that you simply don’t possess and never will!
3) The eyebrows/jaw! How can anyone look at him without staring at the eyebrows? Don’t get me wrong, I actually think Mr. Diggory is quite cute, but not my gorgeous Edward! Finally, the jaw… a vampire kills people… with his teeth, this would lead me to believe that in order to play a vampire one would have to posess a strong jaw line! Apparently, the casting directors weren’t following my knowledged expertise! (Yes, this is sarcasm.)

What would appease me, you ask? I’ll tell you what would appease me : Steven Strait! For those of you who don’t know who he is, he is the man I’ve been picturing as Edward for the past – since I started reading the series. More noticably, he was the main character in “The Covenant”. Mark my words, if he was Edward, the movie would do SO much better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In closing – and changing the subject, entirely – I love my boyfriend to the core of my being, but… Steven, if you can make it to ANY major city in Western Canada, I’ll be there in a heartbeat! Don’t worry, I won’t forget the fake blood!

What constitutes for a good (enough) excuse to miss work?

I remember in school, everyone used to fake being sick so they could miss a test or watch a tv show, but I always thought that once school was over, so was that luxurious privilege. I was under the impression that work was work, therefore not to be missed unless due to deathly illness or family emergancy. OK, so I’ve found out that my initial reasoning is quite incorrect, but what excuse is within the guidlines for being acceptably absentee? I feel melancholy when I have a bad hair day, melancholy is a descriptive word used for depression and depression is an illness… So can I have the day off?

All kidding aside, I’m honestly beginning to wonder what some parents taught their children. At my job, if we miss a day, they generally don’t begrudge us that because we are on salary pay. I have taken a few sick days, but I always come to work first and try to stick it out – unless there’s vomit involved, because no one wants to deal with that! A very close friend of the family passed away, I took one day for the funeral. My Dad had his operation and I received inconclusive information regarding the matter – one day off. My old roommate found her cat on our couch (about a foot away from where I slept) in a complete state of rigamortous and took the day off. These things seem within reason, to me. But what if a coworker took about one day a week off of work? Sickness, death, family visiting, cat sickness… these all seem like quite ligitimate causes, but when is it too much? When does a person throw in the towel and say, “Hey! I want to sit on my ass and watch tv all day too, but I have to work, what about you??!!”

Then again, maybe there’s a positive to all of this! Maybe having someone at the office who takes waaaaaaaay too much time off makes everyone else look waaaaaaaay better! Maybe I should lobby to keep her around so as to secure myself a three day weekend here and there.

Hoo-Rah! To the absentee receptionist, may I forever be covering for you!

So, I suppose my post from yesterday was a bit insulting to some of you. Know what? TOO BAD. Just as you can comment anything to any post, I can write just about anything I want on here. For me, Kamloops IS some secondary level of hell. Maybe not to you, but I’ve lived there my entire life (until one year ago). Opinion aside, if you think that Kamloops is a great place to live then you need to get out and do some traveling!
Getting back on track, my intent is not to insult anyone but to have an outlet to write my feelings down. If you don’t appreciate that, why are you reading my blog? Better yet, if you don’t agree with what you’re reading, why not come up with some kind of witty remark?
For example : Don’t come back,you’re not wanted here. (posted by, Good riddance) is an unnecessary comment. I will approve them on my blog because why should I censor anyone? However, if you put your email down… You won’t be getting anything sweet in return. For those of us who are brave enough to put reality to paper (in this case, screen) comments like these are just a ridiculous, pussy slap in the face. If you want to insult me, do it intelligently, without proving my point.
Insults don’t hurt, but the truth does.

For the record, this was my response:
Subject: Thanks for the criticism, asshole.
Message: Hey,
 
thanks so much for your lovely comment. Does it feel good insulting a little girl? I bet it makes you feel better about never having left that shithole of a town, huh? I hope that Kamloops doesn’t want me back because I’m just using it for school. It’s a backwards, red-neck, scummy town filled with people whose only joy in life is to spread drama. Wow! I guess you fit in there perfectly!
Thank you again for the comment,
I hope you live out your bitter days in that lovely little valley.
 
With love,
 
Kristi DeWolf

Oh boy, do I ever feel useless.

Calgary has shown me that I’ve always known how to take care of myself – in the physical sense, but what does that really mean? I can cook, I can have a full-time job. I can pay the bills and clean up after myself. But in the true essence of life, what do these things really matter? I can’t entertain myself; I can’t provide definite happiness even though I can ensure my own safety and shelter.

Some days, I just want to create a time machine (like I said, I’m genius) to go back to last September and simply stay in Kamloops.  Then again, staying in Kamloops meant accepting the mundane, trivial and stagnent lifestyle that one can only maintain for so long. Plus, staying there would mean never having met Ashley, the love of my life – so far. He is the Yin to my Yang… or whichever the calm, fun one is… that’s Ashley. He is my proof that this life really exists, that Kamloops isn’t some alternate universe which only purpose is some level of Hell! That’s right, I come from Hell.

More on Hell, tomorrow…